Saturday, 31 December 2011

Time For Reflection

Well 2011 has been a hell of a roller coaster for me.

I have experienced my Ultimate Runner highs and lows in one race the GUCR.
I have experienced the depths of despair when you get an injury which does not seem to go away no matter how much rest you throw at it....

But I guess it all pales in to insignificance when you are faced with challenges in your personal life which are effectively out of your control.

Just after the JOGLE tester weekend my wife Anna told me that she was having serious thoughts about our relationship and where it was heading. We talked and agreed to keep going with it hoping things would pick up.

We really tried to make it work but realised that we had grown apart over the last 2 years. So we agreed that things were not going to change and it would be best to separate before we ended up hating each other.
It was not an easy decision to make compounded by the fact we have 4 beautiful children to consider.
We are and will remain good friends as we get on really well with each other just not as partners any more.

To be fair I has taken me a while to comes to terms with this I (more so because not seeing the children every day took some getting used too) and certainly made this transition a lot harder than it could have been (raw emotions take you to some very dark places).

It has certainly made me think about my life though. Anna said that she has felt fairly neglected for the last 2 years and although she did not like to say at the time but my commitment to running has caused probably the majority of the break up.

That is a a big wake up call does that make us Ultra runners selfish?
I guess the simple answer is answered with another question do you see Ultra running as an addiction.
If you do then as with all addictions you become obsessed to the exclusion of everyone and everything else.

So does that make me a bad person if I was obsessed with running?
In some ways yes it does as I lost focus on the important people in my life and that is not a good way to go....

I think the crux of it is though we are/were two very different people with very different outlooks on life.
Anna had/has no real interest in my running to want to live and breath it day in day out and I guess that can become very claustrophobic.

 For me now its time to re focus myself and when I'm not looking after the children find time to rediscover me and who I am and what I want for the future, if it means less running then so be it.

One tough choice I have had to make is that I am not going to be taking part in the JOGLE 2012.
This was not an easy choice to make but I have focus on the here and now and rebuilding for the future.

So Happy New Year All

Bring on 2012 the year of discovery.......

1 comment:

  1. Shame Phil. You are very brave to share your feelings and accounts in such a public way. I relate to the ultra running and the four children bit and the commitment is immense. I am glad you are looking on the positive side and wish you all the best for 2012.